Pseudomemories: Personal Story: Ginny

Ginny was influenced by Rosanne Barr accusations on TV and went to a counselor who she thought could help her recover memories she "felt were there". She gained images under hypnosis, but was still not sure. She met a friend who was supportive of her "repressed memories" and began to develop a network of supporters. After 5 months she began to doubt her "repressed memories" and wrote letters of retraction to her friends. Her "friends" and "supporters" now refuse to see her but she has reconciled with family.

My name is Ginny.

I was first told about "Repressed Memories" being "False Memories" a little over a year ago by a friend who was concerned about what was happening to me. I firmly told her that no therapist had ever hypnotized me or placed any memories in my head, and that the False Memory Foundation was just a group of perpetrators who were trying to stop victims from breaking the silence. My opinions have changed drastically since then. Since November I have tried desperately to find answers to my false memories. Some of what I have learned about my own past, and false memories in general has surprised and greatly disturbed me.

For me it started when I returned to therapy after breaking up with a boyfriend. I had been terrified of him, or of being anywhere alone with him, but couldn’t explain why. I was too far into therapy when I found myself leaning towards sexual abuse. The feelings were so vivid, and real. I couldn’t deny what I was remembering. My therapist was excellent, and never pushed anything on me. Most of the time she helped me question it all, saying that there ARE other answers, but no matter how hard we looked, it kept coming back to incest. My memories of incest were just too believable.

I have analyzed these months of therapy over and over again since last fall. First of all, when I entered therapy I showed all the signs of being an incest victim, and I knew it. (I had read books about it.) I have since learned that sexual abuse is not strongly correlated with the symptoms that are associated with it. Also I, like many other people, held the theory that memory operated much like a videotape recorder, and that everything retrieved was accurate. These theories are now being challenged, and people are beginning to realize, as I am, that memories are not always correct. I have also learned that new information can be confused with old memories. I now know that what I thought was incest was based on another incident altogether.

I left therapy when I moved to a new town. I thought I was doing well and felt that I had dealt with most of the issues of abuse. I decided to seek a therapist in this new town just to make sure I would not have problems while in school. I denied that anything had ever happened to me but my psychiatrist suggested hypnosis to find out the truth.

I think this is where I made my mistake. Almost everything I read about pseudo memories discusses how hypnosis or relaxation is used with gentle but direct questions which may lead to false memories. As Roseanne Arnold (returned to Barr after divorce) said on the Oprah Winfrey show, "When someone asks you, ’Were you sexually abused as a child?’ there are really only two answers: One of them is ’Yes,’ and one of them is ’I don’t know.’ You can’t say ’No.’" This is how I remember feeling during my hypnosis. I remember being asked a number of times, "Is there anything else you remember?" and later, "What is your name?" These two questions led to beliefs that would destroy the next year and a half of my life. After being asked the first question enough times, I began describing a dark room with people dressed in black robes holding candles. The second question led to answers of names other than ’Clare’. On my last session I asked that these issues not be discussed again, and was assured they would not be brought up under hypnosis. They were, and I was so confused that I stopped therapy completely. Unfortunately, the seed had been sown.

Although I tried to forget the incident, I could not. Four months later, while at a friend’s cottage, I drew a picture of a young child in a circle of people dressed in black robes. The child looked terrified. A friend saw the drawing and told me she knew someone else who had been ritually abused. She told me her friend had Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and before I knew what was happening I was telling her about my alters (the names that I had not forgotten from hypnosis).

Over the summer of 1993 I spent most of my time with this friend. She argued in my defense when people told her I was making it all up, and she told me I was in denial when I tried to tell her it wasn’t true. In mid-July, I left home, leaving only a note telling my parents I could not see them any more. I gave no explanation, and no forwarding address. I had fallen into the last stage of my transformation. I was a full fledged survivor now, and I believed it all.

I found a new therapist who dealt with MPD and ritual abuse. In October I spent two weeks in a Psychiatric Hospital because of memories to do with Halloween. I dropped to part-time at school and continued finding more and more horrific memories from my childhood. Just before exams I attempted suicide for the first time. The letter I left said that I was tired of being a burden on my roommates and that I couldn’t go on with it anymore. Looking back, I remember having a strange feeling that it was all a lie, but I was in too deep to tell anyone.

When I look back on it now, I think it was easier for me to be a survivor than someone who just went to school or work and lived a boring life. It was easier to dump all my upsets, confusions and mistakes on someone else. I got caught up in the memories and beliefs and didn’t know how to get out and in many ways didn’t want to get out.

In the spring of 1994, I began to become aware of what was happening to me. It was too late to save the year. I lost almost all my credits in school. I decided to switch programs. I tried to straighten out my life and I made contact with my family again. I went to summer school and got nineties in my courses. I never told anyone my memories had been false.

In September it became very difficult to keep the lie going. Through tears I finally admitted to one friend that I did not think any of the abuse was real. While in the hospital I wrote letters to friends telling them the truth and how sorry I was. Most friends stopped talking to me, either too hurt by what I had done, or just wanting me to hurt as much as they did. I was forced to move, find a place on my own and once again droped courses I was failing.

I am not the only one that has had these problems. The FMS newsletter published many letters of ’retractors’ and ’returners’ who are equally upset by what has happened to them.

It’s been five months since I admitted to friends that my memories were false. For the first time I read stories of people who believed their memories enough to hurt everyone around them, and now they are trying to recover from their mistakes. How many of us have to go through this hell before someone finds the answers?

When I first entered the field of psychology I wanted to study MPD. I wanted people to understand how real it is. Now I want to study FMS. I want to help find the balance between believing everyone and believing no one. People do not deserve to go through what I have gone through. It’s time to stop the False Memory Syndrome.

Editor’s Comment: The misguided belief that hypnosis or blackouts are the path to historically accurate memories of past abuse has been an undercurrent in the tide of recovered memories. Long ago this assertion was known to be inaccurate and is now known to be false in most instances..

Perry, C. (2000) Hypnosis, False Memory Syndrome Foundation, Memory And Reality website.

Perry, C. (1995) The False Memory Syndrome and "Disguised" hypnosis. Hypnos, XXII (4) 189-197.

This case was obtained from:

http://www.fmsfonline.org/?qmemories=RetractorsOwnStories#jan98

NOTE: This retraction is a rare example of integrity and courage. Many live with the false memories their entire lives and rob their children of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Losing contact at a time when the children most benefit from that contact.

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Pseudomemories

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Personal Story: Ginny

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