My name is Vince
My experience departs from the norm in two respects: (1) my induction into the realm of false memories took place without a therapist as such, and (2) I am a male. I believe my experience indicative of a process that, once an irrational hysteria such as this gains momentum, it begins to show up in more generalized areas outside formal treatment milieus. Here is my story.
In the late 1980’s, in the face of numerous personal issues I didn’t feel were being helped by traditional psychotherapy, I began to attend one of the "anonymous 12 Step" groups, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). These meetings are, as you probably know, run on a model similar to Alcoholics Anonymous or Alanon, but with a significant difference: there is an explicit emphasis on intense personal self- exploration which parallels, and perhaps in some ways exceeds, the format of group psychotherapy.
In my case, these intense explorations seemed to be increasing my psychological distress, but I was assured by other members that "you have to get worse before you get better... giving up your denial is going to put you in touch with the pain of the damaged child within, etc. etc." I had also heard in a tape of Chuck Rug, author of the book "Do it Yourself Therapy", stating that it is a normal consequence of the healing that one’s self-esteem would plummet before it was rebuilt on a healthier foundation. I bought all these reassurances and was determined to throw myself into the work of the group to achieve a "recovery" from my problems.
I began to attend meetings at least once a week, all the while sinking into greater and greater turmoil; I also avidly read all the then current books by the various people. So, when some ACA members announced that they were forming a special, closed time-limited intensive group structured around the workbook "The 12 Steps to Happiness for Everyone", I was quick to join. These new meetings were longer (3 hours) than the standard ACA meetings and every attempt was made to encourage "work" on each member’s part to the greatest degree possible; an elaborate phone network was established, and between meetings we all agreed to use the workbook format to engage in intensive autobiographical writing, the "searching and fearless moral inventory" prescribed by step 4 of 12 steps. In the first two weeks I wrote over 180,000 words in my desperation to see this effort work for me. I spent endless hours on the phone between meetings with other group members; these conversations were often punctuated with tears, various formulaic exhortations from the program, particularly surrounding the Catch-22 notion of "denial" the underlying assumption was that the real truth lay buried in repressed memories but that to avoid the pain of their devastating truth we all habitually relied upon various cover thoughts and behaviors that collectively comprised our "denial." It seemed that any new insights that came about from this self exploration which were undramatic or contained elements of mitigation of circumstances, were quickly adjudged to be just another layer of denial. To demonstrate "progress" I found myself making more and more dramatic and condemning interpretations of my recollections of the past, for which I was rewarded by the group for showing "the courage to heal."
Then at one of the meetings, during a "guided meditation" that followed a very intense session of dramatic "sharing" by several of the group, one woman let out a blood-curdling shriek followed by her collapsing on the floor in hysterical sobbing, yelling, "No, no, oh my God, no, not again, I’m just a little girl." This was followed by a halting, wide-eyed description by the woman of someone sexually molesting her as a child. At this point, one of the more self-assured members of the group who had gradually assumed an unacknowledged but distinct role as leader, rushed to her side and said such things as "you are in a safe place now, don’t lose it, there is more, take a look at it, tell us, don’t be afraid, we’re all here to protect you, let it out, face it, deal with it, etc." For the remainder of the evening and much of the subsequent meeting, this woman proceeded to recall more and more lurid details of her having been molested not only by her father but by other males from her neighborhood. Then another woman in the group suddenly broke down and said that something the first woman had said had triggered in her the recall of a scene of being sexually molested. During all this I was becoming more and more uncomfortable and upset. Then suddenly I had a vague recollection of some kind in which I seemed to recall being held in a dark place by a person whom I couldn’t identify who was molesting me as a young boy.
Now with three people all sobbing and competing for the group’s attention, the meeting broke up in chaos, with assurances all round that there would be a great deal of mutual support by phone and in person until the next scheduled meeting. At the next meeting, three people advanced various excuses why they couldn’t honor their commitment to complete the group’s work; the spell was broken. There was never another meeting.
Meanwhile I was still deeply bothered by the vague memory, which was more of a feeling than anything else. So, I sought out a person who offered "hypnotherapy" (an unlicensed person whose ’credentials’ consisted of a mail-order diploma as it turned out). Sure enough, under the probing of this "hypnotherapist", I began to fill in details of the supposed molestation. The one thing I couldn’t conclusively get clear was the identity of the perpetrator. I eventually concluded that it must have been my grandfather, although I never did have a clear mental picture of him. Still, I was plagued by uncertainty as to the details that I had "remembered" in the hypnotic trance. Later I began to change details, as to where, what and who was involved. My ACA colleagues warned me that I couldn’t face that it was my grandfather, and that denial was reasserting itself.
Nonetheless, some tough-minded part of me allowed me to begin to question this sink hole of non-sequitur reasoning, so I pulled back from the meetings to get some distance from the influences. At this point it is important to note that I had in fact experienced an attempted molestation as a young boy, by a chef in my father’s restaurant who had exposed himself to me and grabbed me; I was able to quickly squirm free of his grip and flee. While frightening and creepy at the time, I don’t believe that experience was particularly traumatic, and it isn’t something that was repressed; I hadn’t thought about it for years, but it was certainly an ordinarily accessible memory. I began to realize that I had taken the uncomfortable feelings I had experienced from that episode with the chef and amplified them in response to the hysteria and group pressure to recall something truly horrible to account for my adult "dysfunction." When the two women in our group were successful in gaining all the group’s attention and solicitation following their dramatic recalling of sexual molestation, in retrospect I can see how i would have been motivated to become part of the process by coming up with "memories" of my own, based upon a real but essentially trivial incident.
I tried going to a few more ACA meetings, but with my new perspective, I began to see clearly the extent to which there was an irrational cult atmosphere with people continually absorbed by their personal problems and the group process, but without any indication that they were truly becoming healthier individual if anything they seemed to be less in control of their lives and morbidly dependent of the group.
Still, it wasn’t until I began to receive material from the FMSF that I was able to completely dispel those lingering doubts as to whether my conclusion was the right one, so powerful is the concept of "denial" to undermine one’s confidence of one’s own conclusions.
So, there you have it; slightly unusual, but it fits the pattern.
Retractor from Victoria, BC
Editor’s Comment: Another theme that runs through the reports from retractors is the spreading of stories within survivor groups. For further reading:
Boakes, J. (1997) Group therapy in the treatment of childhood sexual abuse. Psychiatric Bulletin, 21, 754-756.
This case was obtained from:
http://www.fmsfonline.org/?qmemories=RetractorsOwnStories#jan98
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WARNING
If you are seeking help for personal struggles and a therapist, counselor or friend says that "recovering childhood memories can help you get better" then IMMEDIATELY get up from your chair (or off the couch), run to the door, open it and flee. Hundreds of thousands have lost families, years of productive living and squandered immense wealth with tragedy inducing therapy that produces horrid false memories, splinters families, isolates the client and is documented to cause decline in mental health.
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NOTE: This retraction is a rare example of integrity and courage. Many live with the false memories their entire lives and rob their children of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Losing contact at a time when the children most benefit from that contact.
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WARNING
If you are seeking help for personal struggles and a therapist, counselor or friend says that "recovering childhood memories can help you get better" then IMMEDIATELY get up from your chair (or off the couch), run to the door, open it and flee. Hundreds of thousands have lost families, years of productive living and squandered immense wealth with tragedy inducing therapy that produces horrid false memories, splinters families, isolates the client and is documented to cause decline in mental health.
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ALL Pictures are of life before false memories were recovered.
Happy with our hike overlooking Phoenix
Grace and I while visiting family in New England
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